The Art of Knowing Yourself

Today I want to talk about “sharing the news”. While I appreciate and respect that others have a different opinion about this subject, I’d like to discuss how I see this and why.

Many women, including myself, hear it all the time: “Don’t tell anyone until you are 12 weeks. The first trimester is the most dangerous one.” And I understand their view of this. But honestly, what difference does it make?

A woman doesn’t keep it a secret that she has a child of 6 years, 15 years, or whatever, just because the next day her child could die in a tragic accident, does she?! Well, how is being pregnant any different? The woman has a child, whether she is still carrying it inside her or not. It doesn’t matter what age the child is, whether it’s born yet or not. Yes she might lose it, especially in the first 12 weeks, but the same tragic event could happen at 20 weeks, or worse, at 30 weeks. It could happen at any time in the woman’s life.

Some people argue that if you spread the news and then lose the baby early on, you have to deal with telling everyone you lost it, you have to deal with people asking you how it’s going, how your baby is doing and then tell them it died, you miscarried. People seem to think that’s a chore, or more painful than if nobody knew. Well, guess what: it is painful. Why is it painful? Because you told everyone and now have to “disappoint” them and yourself? No… it is painful because you lost your baby! That pain won’t be less painful if you don’t tell anyone you’re pregnant. That pain won’t be more painful if you do tell everybody you’re pregnant. It is the pain of losing a child and nothing will ever change that.

Actually, I dare say it rather helps, having told everyone. At least for me it did. People will be there for you, care about and for you. You can share your pain instead of burying your grief. Yes, you could just go to your friends and say, hey guess what I was pregnant, I didn’t tell you but I was, and now I lost my baby. But it’s not the same. If you walk the path with them from the beginning, they can catch you when you trip, can catch you as you fall. If they haven’t been walking with you, they need to orient themselves first, then rush to where you are going in order to catch you. And sometimes they could arrive too late and you fall into your puddle of grief. Now they need to work harder to get you back out. And they will, because they are your friends.

I told everyone I was pregnant the first time around, yes I made a big deal out of it. I needed my friends by my side all the way. I wanted to share my joy and happiness, and to share my sadness if that were to happen. And it did happen. I miscarried, and my friends were there for me. And I can honestly say, I would not do it any different if I could turn back time. And I will not do it any different in the future, so guess what:

I am pregnant!

Yes. “Shoot me” for telling if you feel you need to, but it’s my choice to tell or not to tell. So to all my friends and family: I’m getting tired of hearing this. I’m sorry but I just don’t see it your way, so please stop pestering me about that :p

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2 comments on “The Art of Knowing Yourself

  1. maccabros says:

    what ever the others saying or thinking – that is wonderful and my hopes and wishes are always by your side…

  2. ruffelles says:

    congratulations :). I’m at 16w, and I feel the exact same way as you – we started telling our closest friends right away, because we knew that – should the worst case scenario happen – we would appreciate the love and support from trusting people with the news.

    best of luck with everything.xo

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