Time of grief

At the hospital they called the doctor who was covering for my gyn (yes, there was in fact someone covering…) and made an appointment for me for the next day.

Wednesday morning, Nov. 16, I went into denial. They never showed me any numbers on paper (from the blood test), I never got to see the ultrasounds. All I had was the doctor’s word. And I wanted my baby so bad. That phase passed quickly though, when only a little while later the blood started flowing, not just spotting, but some real flow. I cried a lot throughout the next few days/weeks. What was the greater purpose here, I kept asking myself.

We went to see the doctor, who was very nice. I swear that guy must have studied psychology. He knew exactly how to approach me and what to say to make me feel better. The question was, should I miscarry naturally or have a D&C done. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m very much against any chemical or unnatural interference into my body. I try to stay away from that as much as I can. But miscarrying naturally meant more pain, and a longer time of getting back on track.

The doctor sent me off and told me to think about it and talk about it with DH, then come back later that afternoon. The doctor knew my decision before I did. I didn’t really want to do a D&C.

Thursday, Nov. 17, I started cramping slightly around 6pm or so. It got worse and worse. I lied down and used an electrical heating pad to ease the pain. It got so bad I thought I was having actual contractions. My cervix must have been dilating or something. Finally I felt I needed to take a dump and went to the bathroom. I could get the pain under control a little bit, holding my belly. I didn’t need to take a dump. Not in the usual sense. I felt water gushing out of my vagina after a few minutes. When I told the doctor about that the next day, Friday, he asked me if I was sure it came from my vagina. I said yes I’m very sure, I know my body. And he agreed. After the water something flushed out of my vagina that felt as if I was having diarrhea from the wrong hole. That was most likely the fetus dropping out. I dared not looking inside the toilet, as the doctor warned me that at this stage I may be able to make out little arms and legs. How horrible! He wanted me to save some tissue, but I guess that wasn’t going to be possible. I saved something I thought was tissue, but it was just huge blood clots, according to the doctor.

After I had passed the fetus, the cramping eased down and finally stopped completely.

But the physical part was still not over at that point…

This entry was posted in M/C, Past.

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